http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/12/how-to-transform-a-break-up-into-a-breakthrough/
Without realizing it, I have done what the link above has noted. I have transformed the end of my marriage into a break-through. I have reacted to this very sudden change in my life. I have screamed, yelled, even clawed at the pain that rendered itself out of my mouth and my soul. I have stopped bottling up these self-hurting feelings inside of me. I took some of this self-hurt out on those that still truly loved me, and they still held me and dried my tears. They accepted this change in me, allowing me the time I needed to accept and break on through. As they have accepted me, I have learned to accept me too. I have learned to accept these raw feelings and begin to allow myself to fully feel them during the moment; then to let them go into the ether. This allows me the grace of hope and continued hope for a future. It allows me to know that tomorrow can be a better day, or will be an equally fulfilling one.
In this break-through, I have found those individuals that will continue to matter to me, that I will continue to love. I have learned that energy is best expended on these relationships only. I have learned to move on from those that have only left negative footprints on my already broken self.
But as a part of this break-through, I am still trying, harder every day, to come to a peace with being alone, with being lonely. I stumbled upon the following definition of loneliness.
“Loneliness is not a lacking of something, but rather the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.”
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When we’re lonely in a “hot” way, we look for something to save us; we look for a way out. We get this queasy feeling that we call loneliness, and our minds just go wild trying to come up with companions to save us from despair. That’s called unnecessary activity. It’s a way of keeping ourselves busy so we don’t have to feel any pain. It could take the form of obsessively daydreaming of true romance, or turning a tidbit of gossip into the six o’clock news, or even going off by ourselves into the wilderness.
The point is that in all these activities, we are seeking companionship in our usual, habitual way, using our same old repetitive ways of distancing ourselves from the demon loneliness. Could we just settle down and have some compassion and respect for ourselves? Could we stop trying to escape from being alone with ourselves? What about practicing not jumping and grabbing when we begin to panic? Relaxing with loneliness is a worthy occupation. As the Japanese poet Ryokan says, “If you want to find the meaning, stop chasing after so many things.”
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Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how things are. Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experience we might have.
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Cool loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.”
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When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this.”
Full article here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2009/02/chogyam-trungpa-rinpoche-pema-chodron-the-buddhist-view-of-loneliness-as-a-good-thing/
I see it as loneliness allows us the time to accept ourselves. I see this as a new positive; being able to love more fully means accepting the loneliness with the fulfilling-love occasions. It is a natural balance of our lives. Acknowledging that you miss someone (you are lonely for someone) is further acknowledgement that you love them. May the love be on a deep romantic level, or love on a simple familial level.
Accepting the loneliness in its moment, allows for less aggression and angry feelings at ourselves and our mind. There is no reason to rebel against the loneliness when it just “is”. It deserves its turn, whilst bubbly-happy feelings deserve their turn too. We can only rescue ourselves in accepting this loneliness. We can’t afford to find rescue in others, when loneliness is upon us.
Accepting the loneliness, can reduce the use of the word “should”; I think I shouldn’t be lonely, I shouldn’t be this way. “Should” is a word I have been working on pulling out of my vocabulary for some time now.
In the last few months I have felt the loneliness shoved down my throat. Now, I realize that it was time that I needed to break through to a happier Ina. I will admit that I spent too much time in limbo this summer, and even more time bemoaning the amount of time I spent by myself this fall. But self time, is needed time to care for oneself and to accept the loneliness on a deeper, healing level.
